That which doesn't kill us...

We all have things in our lives that we are embarrassed about that we would best like to be forgotten. As such, I almost didn’t write this. It’s been nibbling at my mind every time I’d hear a story about it in the news…. it would be like a cheese grater across a scab in my core. “That was a long time ago,” I’d tell myself. Usually the news stories were about kids that lashed out. With some kids, that’s what they do. Fortunately, for society, it is more of an aberration than the norm. However, what I didn’t know, and what moved me to write this, was reading about 12-year-old Tom Trosvik, a 12 year old boy who killed himself on February 8, 2006 over it. Or 12-year-old Jared High who did the same thing after calling his father at work to say goodbye on September 29, 1998. Or Ryan Patrick Halligan who died on October 7, 2003. They are not alone. Every year, the cause of their despair and hopelessness-bullying, affects 3.2 MILLION students, which makes it the most common form of violence in our society. Children as young as six talk about suicide because of bullying.

I was 11 when I first started being bullied. I still remember what happened. One time I had gotten into a schoolyard fight- I was in the ‘right’ and the other kid was a ‘bad’ kid. My father always taught me that it took a bigger man to walk away from a fight, but that I could defend myself if the other person violated my principles or me.

My belief system up to that point in my life was that good always triumphed over evil; I saw myself as the “guy in the white hat”, “defender of the weak” and “pure of heart” who stood for justice, honesty and all things good in the world. And in 30 seconds all that changed and would define who I was for the remainder of my school years and affect me the rest of my life.

I still remember how I lost that fight…I put my head down in order to take the kid down and he hit me with a number of uppercuts. I remember a lot about that day…his name, the name of the street I was on, etc. But most of all I remember the shame I felt, going home and explaining why my nose was bloody. The worst part was, if good always triumphed over evil then why did I lose? Unless I wasn’t good. And that’s when the die was cast.

Kids intuitively know when another kid lacks confidence in themselves. Some take advantage of it. “Heffley lost to Hickok”, was the buzz going around school. And over the next 6 years I found myself being bullied. Fortunately for me, I inherited my father’s genetics, which meant I was very strong. Any of the fights I couldn’t avoid getting into afterwards, I won. But my self-perception didn’t change.

Moving to a new school didn’t help. After obtaining some measure of respect by beating a notoriously ‘bad’ bully who forced my hand, my parents decided to move. I had to start all over.

Most kids, by definition, are weaker than their tormentors and the ‘school yard code’ of not telling an adult prevails. Regardless of the specifics, bullying is a serious problem in our society. So what, if anything is being done ? While bullying is starting to get some exposure in the media, over two-thirds of students believe schools respond poorly to bullying problems and worse yet, 25% of teachers see nothing wrong with bullying or putdowns. Demi Lovato (if you don’t know who that is, ask your ‘tweenager’) is the spokeperson for PACER (Parent Advocacy Coalition for Educational Rights) Center and has talked publicly about being bullied.

It’s been 35 years since that schoolyard fight where I lost a part of myself. No amount of success- retiring at age 40 for three years, bench pressing over 400 pounds, being a paid published columnist, meeting Congressmen and Governors, being well-respected by my peers-can erase my need to prove myself, over and over. When I read about Tom, Jared or Patrick it quite literally brings me to tears. Because for me, it’s just something unpleasant in my life which has not allowed me to fully enjoy my successes; for them and those that loved them, there won’t be any successes to enjoy, because they succumbed to the despair, feelings of unworthiness, low self-esteem, fear and shame that I know all too well. And it didn’t have to happen that way.

If you suspect your child is being bullied OR bullying others, there are steps you can take. Many states have laws against bullying. Talk to the principal. Talk to the teachers. But most of all, talk to your child and let them know bullying is NOT appropriate in any way shape or form and to come to you if they see it happening. Some resources:

http://www.nasponline.org/resources/factsheets/bullying_fs.aspx
www.bullypolice.org
www.ravendays.org
www.safeyouth.org
http://www.pacerkidsagainstbullying.org/

On Family...

They say you can pick your friends, but not your family. A simple enough axiom. However, nowadays with in-laws and ex-laws, step-kids and half-siblings, keeping it all straight can get a little complicated.

The reason for this saying, I believe, is because with friends, we tend to have common interests, common beliefs, and common outlooks on life. If we take offense at a friend’s actions, we can always terminate the friendship. Not so with family. Family, by its very nature, throws together those who may have very different likes, tastes and personalities, but with a bond. When families are broken up through divorce, sometimes there are ties that bind, most often children, but could be extended family or friends, which brings up the choice of how we handle the future.

I bring this up for a number of reasons. A product of a divorce myself, I am blessed by the paths that virtually all members of my extended family have taken. We all marry or (married) someone (at least partially) because of something good we saw in them. The paths of those involved in my circle would tend to bear that out. Doesn’t mean anyone of us is perfect, but at least acknowledges the good in people. The consequences of that choice are illustrated below.

One of my closest friends is the mother of my daughter, my ex-wife. I believe that her and my wife are friends as well. I recently expressed condolences to my ex-father-in-law for the loss of his wife, which brought at least some small measure of comfort, I’m sure. My wife’s ex-husband and I initially had issues. We have since gotten to the point where he, his wife, my wife and I actually vacation together! That doesn’t mean that we won’t have disagreements. Disputes can and will happen when you have different views on life. I recently had a falling out with my stepdaughter’s husband; we have since made amends, driven by our greater love of our wives than by our petty grievances.

Divorce, by nature, is never easy; that’s why it is to be avoided. Studies show that the pain and emotional anguish divorce causes is second only to the death of a loved one. With death, there is no second chance. In a divorce, we have a choice. With divorce, some (most, according to people I’ve talked to) people focus on their inner turmoil and lash out with hate due to the pain. There are always the offenders and the offended in a divorce situation. Some choose to perpetuate the hate, and by doing so, perpetuate the pain. It is only the ones that choose to elevate themselves above it, to put the past into the past, and have a hopeful outlook for the future, that can achieve at least some measure of peace. It doesn’t erase the past; but rather chooses not to dwell on it. Forgiveness may or may not ever come to pass, either from the offended or by the offender (for themselves).

What works for us may not work for others in similar situations. All I know is that all we have is the present. The people in our lives who are touched by the inter-relationships caused by our past deserve not to be penalized by it. Those that rise above the pain show that they love and value those people more than they value the hate. That’s not a bad thing in my book.

Oasis in the Desert

My wife means the world to me. The world she came from and helped to shape who she is has become a second home to me. I love her parents and everyone there. It epitomizes everything that is 'good' to me: hard work, faith-even in the face of adversity, honesty and charity. I count the days until my 'second family' will come to visit us. I took an online test some time ago-"Which book of the bible are you ?" The answer was Ecclesiastes. The reasons were surprisingly accurate --You are disappointed with a hypocritical world that says one thing and does another. However, always remember to look for the good among the bad, for it is there.--

I went to a different church this morning. It was HUGE. I mean, it was the size of a college campus and it had everything but a grocery store. It was a city unto itself. I must admit, when I first walked in, I thought I was in a rock concert. They had a full band-and I mean band--guitars, bass guitars, drums, flashing lights-it WAS a concert. "I don't think this is what I came for" I remember thinking. But this is where I was led, so I decided to wait it out and not be judgmental...I could always leave and not come back. As I was listening and watching on the mega-tv screens the action, I remember thinking "where is God in all of this ?".

Once the music was over, they then showed a couple of 1st-rate, professional videos on their mega-screens. One, called "e-desperate.com" was a humorous look at the secular dating-game. I chuckled as it was funny, but thought, "dating ? Wow, the message definitely won't apply to me". But again, I waited for the message. What I found was enlightening in more ways than one.

The pastor's lesson was from the Song of Solomon, which I admit, I never really understood why it was in the Bible. "It's a love story", remarked the pastor and he then relayed how King Solomon and his bride loved each other so much, and took the time to compliment each other, to spend quality time together. The pastor skillfully explained intricacies of how to connect with one another both before and after you marry someone, all in the context of the Bible. "Maybe there is a message for me after all", I thought. I admit, I prayed this week on how to be a better husband. Not that I think I'm a bad one, mind you, but because my wife really does mean the world to me and I want her to be happy.

Some other things started to resonate with me during this service, as well.

Far too often, by no fault of their own, some people feel excluded from church, thinking that they don't dress the 'right way', or listen to the 'right' music, or watch the 'right ' movies. So they don't go, and as such, miss the Word of God. Churches are communities: Although everyone is an individual, how you dress in the heart of Texas may seem out of place or make people uncomfortable if you move to say, Ohio, where cowboy hats and spurs would seem out of place. I actually experienced that in high school, when I moved from a community where cowboy hats (no spurs) were 'cool', to another school where it was looked at as 'weird'. Now that was high school where the dynamics of belonging is fueled by teenage angst and hormones. I realized that this church, with everything that was so different from what I expected from 'church' was reaching out to people who otherwise wouldn't attend. And the focus was still God. God is in the heart, not in the pews. I enjoy a guitar with an edge to it, yet I have faith. Here was a church that utilized what is current to reach out and touch people with the word of God. When I first had walked in to the service, I had thought, "this doesn't belong in a church"...but it would be something I'd go to at a secular event. That got me thinking-people are told to 'live during the week' like they do on Sunday in church. Too often I see people go to church on Sunday and then return to their 'real lives' until the next week. How awesome would it be if someone who has a particular taste in music, for example, thought of GOD when they heard that music ? It has been said in the Bible to give glory to God in all things.

I learned a few things today: I always need to guard against judging. God judges, not I. It's not the clothes, type of music or anything else that dictates God's message. God will get His message to us if we are actively listening for it instead of deciding what God's music or taste in clothing is. We can decide for ourselves what our 'tastes' are and choose to congregate in a church with people who like the same things we do. I love the church and hymns we sing in Neodesha. I'm funny like that; I'm conservative, but also love to play hard-edged guitar.

There was a message for Josh, who, just turning 18, definitely isn't going to be listening to hymns on the radio and is looking at dating for the first time. Kids don't like to be 'lectured', but like to be engaged. Here was a message, delivered in a great way, that spoke to kids in a language they could understand, about a topic important to them. More importantly, it was delivered not in a paternalistic, authoritative way, which so many kids 'tune out', but in a way that would get through.

God is everywhere. I went to church today looking for answers on how to be a better husband and came away not only with those answers and a lesson for Josh, but a whole community of people who share an unabiding faith in God, honesty, integrity, and hard work. There is good everywhere, if you look for it.

And the kicker ? The Song of Solomon follows right after Ecclesiastes.